End of a hellish semester

Calm. I was calm and collected with a hint of urgency yesterday for my viva. I was doing fine for my presentation eventhough it went beyond 10 minutes. I was glad to be able to convey all the information because as it turned out, the panel loved it. They saw my effort and hardwork I put through for this research. Yeah, so thank you Dr Nik & Dr Shafrin. I still have some corrections to do for the writing though. But I was so happy about finishing earlier than expected, I was kinda humble-brag a bit to my classmates.

Enough about PLK599, which was only 3 unit. The whole semester was almost a blur at this point. Special thanks to panadol, eyedrops, indocafe and youtube asmr which helped me tremendously throughout this semester. I would never survive without all these items. 

I have never swallow this many panadol in this short few months my whole life. I also learned to microdose myself with coffee, just to get that caffein on my vein. Truthfully, it did nothing for me, but the placebo was stronger than my conscience. So I'm happy for that because I can finally try some amazing coffee. Will defo bought ikea french press soon.

Back to the semester. I feel like this semester, I was either sitting around wasting time or losing sleep and not eating to compensate that wasted time. There was no in between. Legit I wrote about 70 case notes in 3 days, that was the worst crisis I ever had. I was almost throwing up, I was not sleeping, I feel like dropping out, I feel like giving up, but then I didnt. I literally regret not writing it sooner. 

But then it happened again for  the finals essays, PLK 599, and the viva presentation. I couldnt live like this anymore 😩, I literally want to pursue PhD but I cannot be a PhD candidate with this attitude. I definitely should go get diagnose or this cycle will happen all over again. Its almost like there were no consequences for my actions, because I managed to do it all and still got good result. So, what the hell. If binging tv series for few days and losing sleep for that other days reward me with dean list, then why the hell not? 

This is why I still hesitated to pursue PhD. That and also I was not sure what topic I would like to do for PhD. Ideally I would like to pursue PhD abroad, specifically NYU, but a girl can only dream, right? So fuck it, I'm gonna dream big. Go to NYU, find a beautiful boyfriend and get that doctorate. I have a whole lifetime waiting for me. 

So there's that. I was just glad this semester over. Now I just need to get internship somewhere. Nothing but prayers, ameen.

XX